Parting Thoughts

Train T195 Beijing to Qingdao, China

My train pulls out of Beijing station for the N-th time - the only difference: this time it's final. I will not come back. And as the wheels begin to roll I find out something about myself. Something unexpected. A no-brainer, sure, but it strikes home the most when you come to the conclusion by yourself. People have always asked: "Isn't it lonely traveling by yourself?" I always used to laugh it off. "No", I'd say, "you meet lots of interesting people on the road. It never gets lonely." But it does. Right now I know, I feel it. There are no real friends, noone to trust, noone to confide in. Everyone is just a passing acquaintance, no matter how interesting they may be. And you must always move on, leave them or be left by them. With a shock I realise I will spend the next half year without friends, without anyone constant in my life, noone I really know or can get to know. Vero tells me I'll be seeing some amazing things, some unique sights but still, all the ancient culture, the breathtaking scenery I may see don't take away the pain of leaving her. She told me this would happen. She's afraid of it herself sometimes, I think. And her being a lot cleverer than me she's right, of course. So, I leave behind another life I've built up: friendships, love, people and places I've grown attached to. And their lives will go on and mine also has to. Our courses diverge and I'm afraid so will our lives. Of course, that has always been the plan. From the very beginning. But I've now I've discovered that plans are not always as easily executed as conceived. There are always people, feelings involved. I envy my friends that they may stay and spend time together and they envy me for the chance to go and see the world. I guess, it is a chance to meet new, interesting people. It's a chance to see other old friends again and to make some new ones. And the world is getting so much smaller. It becomes easier and easier to see friends and stay in contact. The thing is, the thought should give me some comfort but it does not fill the emptiness I feel now. I'm afraid to forget or be forgotten. I go through all their - your - names: Vero, Sun Shu, Evonne, Yizhu, Peng Yi, Tian Chao, Jin Yuan and many more. The thing is that if I chose to stay with them, even cancel the whole rest of my trip just to be here with them, eventually it would be their turn to go instead. That's just the way it is. As Vero said: What's better - leave or be left? We're students. None of us know where we'll go yet - or we know it all too well.
So, I can only go on and hope to see you again someday, somewhere. I will miss you. 我会想你们！ And time passes so quickly.